2/16/2024 - sitting on the ground staring at the wall/ceiling of my bed room in Southern California, -$84,000 today on the Hustler stream. I’m amidst a $1,000,000 “downswing” in poker over the last several months. By far the longest I’ve had a losing streak for and by far the most amount of dollars I’ve lost. Yet both, are nothing special - the duration and dollar amount. See, I’ve been playing a dangerous game - playing way above my bankroll and infrequently in volume- now both have reared its ugly head at the same time and I’m paying the price. The real reason why I put “downswing” in quotes isn’t because of the lack of volume played nor high dollar amount, it’s self inflicted. Each and every single one of my biggest loss seems to be caused by a sprinkle of unfavorable card distribution mixed with a heavy dosage of self-destructive tendencies. It appears in tilt, gambling too hard, pushing too much action, etc.
This game was never about making money. There’s top pros in the world playing 5/10 for a living with 300 plus buy ins. It’s about solving one hand at a time. Truth is you were playing 1/2 1/3 few years back. So your poker skillset is just not there. You are playing one of the softest games out there, comparable to live 1/3. Most of your opponents have a main income source that generates millions of dollars every quarter of the year for them. What’s hurting is the truth, playing “higher stakes” doesn’t mean you are playing against the strongest competition. 10/20 Bellagio is by far tougher than most games out there. I coached over 240 students up till today, so I am well aware of current poker world dynamics. Again making more money should never be the reason why you play poker. Trying to become a better player than you were yesterday, now that’s the goal.
The game was never about money. There’s top pros in the world playing 5/10 for a living. It’s about solving one hand at a time. Truth is you were playing 1/2 1/3 few years back. So your poker skillset is just not there. You are playing one of the softest games out there, comparable to live 1/3. They have a main income source that generates millions of dollars every quarter of the year. What’s hurting is truth, playing “higher stakes” doesn’t mean you are playing against the strongest competition. 10/20 Bellagio is by far tougher than most games out there. I coached over 240 students up till today, so I am well aware of current poker world dynamics. Again making more money should never be the reason why you play poker. Trying to become a better player than you were yesterday, now that’s the goal.
Wow this is wild from back when I followed you playing 1/2$. Love your honesty you are hurting. My wife and I are doing a rosary a night for lent! We will
Do one rosary for you tonight Rampage!
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me. Philippians 4:13
Perhaps the suffering is in the thinking and analysis of your feelings. Much of you has the gambler/competitive spirit, neither good or bad, some have it some don’t; probably created by environmental and psychological factors of childhood and upbringing. With this spirit and having it go unchecked and with ego, self sabotage can happen depending on the past programs you have subconsciously believed or believe about yourself and the world around you. Be aware of the programs and recreate them. The programs and systems that you’ve once relied on, are a beautiful puzzle, even though they have brought you quite far. In the state of being “unbalanced” or risky on you’ve been able to leverage that into stratosphere heights to attain the high/dopamine rush/adrenaline spikes/thrill seeking behavior which ultimately gives you a temporary relief from your suffering. A suffering, originally created and started by you. You may feel like you are failing but you are rewiring yourself slowly but surely to your unconscious narrative, as we all are. Rewrite the personal narrative, create freely again, and create with a kind heart and loving hand. Keep your head up, keep going, be compassionate to yourself and others. All the best!
It aint about the loses you take. Its all about the bounce back. Bosses take losses and we live and we learn. I lost my whole bankroll 3 years ago ( which was 200k ) nothing near yours but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got to see who was real around me and I learned how to do things better the second time around. And not attach money to happiness. You’re a smart guy Ethan, you know what you have to do, just stay down and take it one day at a time. Hope this helped 🤞
Been there so many times albeit with smaller amounts. Thanks for sharing these candid thoughts. You're the real deal and we all appreciate you for it. Keep on grinding!
You describe poker exactly like gambling addicts describe the moments they seek action. I think you have this mindset and it will kill your poker career unless you start taking less risk in bankroll wise.
Thanks for the post - been following your journey for awhile.
Some thoughts here from my end- from an outsider's perspective, it looks like when you play cash games you're playing with the hopes of arriving at some result. You're clearly good enough and intuitive enough to beat these games, but you're pushing spots in the hopes of coming to some conclusion at the end of the session. That mindset works for tournaments, but is deadly in cash games. I honestly think it's more of a shift in mindset combined with a patience to take things as they come instead of forcing them.
Like other folks said here, a break is probably in order. You've had a three and a half year sun run in poker, vlogging, and sponsorships and have been the benefactor of both hard work and great timing. Going from 0 ->1mm is a lot harder than going from 1mm -> 5mm. Don't make yourself do it again.
take a break, had many similar stretches in trading that can last for months. you lose so you get tilted so you lose. just take some time away my man. find some other hobby for a while unrelated to gambling or anything in that way of thinking, there will be action forever in the future. It's very painful and you want to just keep betting but the truth is whatever dollars you put on the table today are much more likely to go down the drain. its about breaking the cycle and the mental traps that tilt puts you in. finding away to beat up that voice that says, "fuck it, gotta ship it here" will be something that you will look back upon with a ton of pride. I would really recommend listening to lightcrypto on uponly its not quite the same arena but I think a lot of the lessons really carry over. its a weird thing tilt, you'll be alright, you have a lot of things going for you just leave the poker room for a bit, future you will be thankful. ooo also watch mississipi grind its a banger
Thank you for this incredibly honest post. It must trigger the same feelings - or maybe the opposite feelings - being so vulnerable it sharing this. I really appreciate you sharing this. You have a fan here forever, Ethan. You rock, don’t forget that.
Rampage, I think you should continue poker. You love the game and are good at it too. But I think you try and score too many big wins. Why dont you play 5 days a week (260 work days a year) and cash out when you profit $2000 everyday. If you do that, you would be on a $520,000 salary a year. Stop playing stupid tournaments and high skates cash games. Stick to lower stakes and play like brad owen does. Nothing wrong with that
The art of the game is what you should be playing for not the money at this point. So maybe reset and focus more on studying and understanding the game maybe on a different level, that way a spark might comeback and you’ll enjoy being at the table not with those inner emotions to explode your stack, but to look for great spots and enjoying putting into play what you practiced/studied.
Congratulations on taking one of the first steps! You realize what the problem is...now it is how to deal with it. I know when I start thinking about the money versus the right play is when I lose...always lose. Then I try to chase it thinking I am playing well. Sometimes, I sabotage myself much like you did thinking I deserve the pain. You don't! I don't! Walk away for a bit. Spend some time with your girlfriend you mentioned last night. Find something else to occupy your mind for awhile. I love reading books that are basically Bible studies. You can learn alot about yourself there. It keeps me grounded and centered...focused on what truly matters. Then, poker feels more like a fun job that I have...albeit a part-time job for me. Our stakes and experience aren't the same, but the emotions very much are. You are who you are...not what others expect you to be. Don't get trapped by their expectations of you.
This game was never about making money. There’s top pros in the world playing 5/10 for a living with 300 plus buy ins. It’s about solving one hand at a time. Truth is you were playing 1/2 1/3 few years back. So your poker skillset is just not there. You are playing one of the softest games out there, comparable to live 1/3. Most of your opponents have a main income source that generates millions of dollars every quarter of the year for them. What’s hurting is the truth, playing “higher stakes” doesn’t mean you are playing against the strongest competition. 10/20 Bellagio is by far tougher than most games out there. I coached over 240 students up till today, so I am well aware of current poker world dynamics. Again making more money should never be the reason why you play poker. Trying to become a better player than you were yesterday, now that’s the goal.
The game was never about money. There’s top pros in the world playing 5/10 for a living. It’s about solving one hand at a time. Truth is you were playing 1/2 1/3 few years back. So your poker skillset is just not there. You are playing one of the softest games out there, comparable to live 1/3. They have a main income source that generates millions of dollars every quarter of the year. What’s hurting is truth, playing “higher stakes” doesn’t mean you are playing against the strongest competition. 10/20 Bellagio is by far tougher than most games out there. I coached over 240 students up till today, so I am well aware of current poker world dynamics. Again making more money should never be the reason why you play poker. Trying to become a better player than you were yesterday, now that’s the goal.
Wow this is wild from back when I followed you playing 1/2$. Love your honesty you are hurting. My wife and I are doing a rosary a night for lent! We will
Do one rosary for you tonight Rampage!
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me. Philippians 4:13
Perhaps the suffering is in the thinking and analysis of your feelings. Much of you has the gambler/competitive spirit, neither good or bad, some have it some don’t; probably created by environmental and psychological factors of childhood and upbringing. With this spirit and having it go unchecked and with ego, self sabotage can happen depending on the past programs you have subconsciously believed or believe about yourself and the world around you. Be aware of the programs and recreate them. The programs and systems that you’ve once relied on, are a beautiful puzzle, even though they have brought you quite far. In the state of being “unbalanced” or risky on you’ve been able to leverage that into stratosphere heights to attain the high/dopamine rush/adrenaline spikes/thrill seeking behavior which ultimately gives you a temporary relief from your suffering. A suffering, originally created and started by you. You may feel like you are failing but you are rewiring yourself slowly but surely to your unconscious narrative, as we all are. Rewrite the personal narrative, create freely again, and create with a kind heart and loving hand. Keep your head up, keep going, be compassionate to yourself and others. All the best!
I truly appreciate your beautiful words that deciphers so many similarly wounded heart and souls
Thank you for the kind words. Do you have a similar story or been working through similar issues?
It aint about the loses you take. Its all about the bounce back. Bosses take losses and we live and we learn. I lost my whole bankroll 3 years ago ( which was 200k ) nothing near yours but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got to see who was real around me and I learned how to do things better the second time around. And not attach money to happiness. You’re a smart guy Ethan, you know what you have to do, just stay down and take it one day at a time. Hope this helped 🤞
Been there so many times albeit with smaller amounts. Thanks for sharing these candid thoughts. You're the real deal and we all appreciate you for it. Keep on grinding!
You describe poker exactly like gambling addicts describe the moments they seek action. I think you have this mindset and it will kill your poker career unless you start taking less risk in bankroll wise.
Thanks for the post - been following your journey for awhile.
Some thoughts here from my end- from an outsider's perspective, it looks like when you play cash games you're playing with the hopes of arriving at some result. You're clearly good enough and intuitive enough to beat these games, but you're pushing spots in the hopes of coming to some conclusion at the end of the session. That mindset works for tournaments, but is deadly in cash games. I honestly think it's more of a shift in mindset combined with a patience to take things as they come instead of forcing them.
Like other folks said here, a break is probably in order. You've had a three and a half year sun run in poker, vlogging, and sponsorships and have been the benefactor of both hard work and great timing. Going from 0 ->1mm is a lot harder than going from 1mm -> 5mm. Don't make yourself do it again.
Humbleness and gratitude are qualities that you’re likely missing
take a break, had many similar stretches in trading that can last for months. you lose so you get tilted so you lose. just take some time away my man. find some other hobby for a while unrelated to gambling or anything in that way of thinking, there will be action forever in the future. It's very painful and you want to just keep betting but the truth is whatever dollars you put on the table today are much more likely to go down the drain. its about breaking the cycle and the mental traps that tilt puts you in. finding away to beat up that voice that says, "fuck it, gotta ship it here" will be something that you will look back upon with a ton of pride. I would really recommend listening to lightcrypto on uponly its not quite the same arena but I think a lot of the lessons really carry over. its a weird thing tilt, you'll be alright, you have a lot of things going for you just leave the poker room for a bit, future you will be thankful. ooo also watch mississipi grind its a banger
2 Thessalonians 3:10 ESV
10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.
Poker isn’t work, Ramp.
I suggest taking a break to cool off. Tons of poker pros have gone bust and made up their bankroll. And you can do it too in a systematic way.
Thank you for this incredibly honest post. It must trigger the same feelings - or maybe the opposite feelings - being so vulnerable it sharing this. I really appreciate you sharing this. You have a fan here forever, Ethan. You rock, don’t forget that.
Rampage, I think you should continue poker. You love the game and are good at it too. But I think you try and score too many big wins. Why dont you play 5 days a week (260 work days a year) and cash out when you profit $2000 everyday. If you do that, you would be on a $520,000 salary a year. Stop playing stupid tournaments and high skates cash games. Stick to lower stakes and play like brad owen does. Nothing wrong with that
The art of the game is what you should be playing for not the money at this point. So maybe reset and focus more on studying and understanding the game maybe on a different level, that way a spark might comeback and you’ll enjoy being at the table not with those inner emotions to explode your stack, but to look for great spots and enjoying putting into play what you practiced/studied.
Congratulations on taking one of the first steps! You realize what the problem is...now it is how to deal with it. I know when I start thinking about the money versus the right play is when I lose...always lose. Then I try to chase it thinking I am playing well. Sometimes, I sabotage myself much like you did thinking I deserve the pain. You don't! I don't! Walk away for a bit. Spend some time with your girlfriend you mentioned last night. Find something else to occupy your mind for awhile. I love reading books that are basically Bible studies. You can learn alot about yourself there. It keeps me grounded and centered...focused on what truly matters. Then, poker feels more like a fun job that I have...albeit a part-time job for me. Our stakes and experience aren't the same, but the emotions very much are. You are who you are...not what others expect you to be. Don't get trapped by their expectations of you.