What's the Point? - 3
Hey friends, It’s 1:30 in the morning, I had one of my biggest losing sessions of my life.. and amidst the largest “downswing” of my life at totaling close to $400,000 now in the past few months afte
Hey friends,
It’s 1:30 in the morning, I had one of my biggest losing sessions of my life.. and amidst the largest “downswing” of my life at totaling close to $400,000 now in the past few months after a big win. It’s late, I’m contemplating a lot of things.. time to write?
It seems silly that 4 years ago when I started playing poker, I remember losing $500 one night.. and I felt so beaten and distraught that I had to scream at the top of my lungs when I got into my car. Kicking, screaming hysterically.. I thought it was rock bottom. That $500 was such a high percentage of my net worth at the time. And each subsequent year, I’ve had outrageous highs and lows.. in 2020 I won an online WSOP bracelet for more money than I knew what to do with in poker ($165K from a $500 buy-in). 2021, I punted $10,000 in my introduction to live stream cash games which broke me.. it took 2 months playing $2/5 to win it back. Then later in the year, I ended up winning $230,000 in a Venetian tournament. 2022, I lost over $150,000 to start the year on Hustler in one week and battled back at the very end of the year with a ridiculous high of wining almost $900,000 in a single tournament. And now 2023.. this year.. I’m down $400,000 to start this year via online tournaments, live tournaments, and live streamed cash games.
These events and results lead me to thinking.. what’s all this for? Each year I put myself in these high pressure, high stress situations.. and it comes with a lot of pain and glory.. the most amount of pain possible from losing a boundary pushing amount of money as I take shots playing bigger and bigger stakes.. and on the other side of the coin, winning insane amounts of money as well. Why try to push myself past existing boundaries? What’s the point of all this really? I mean you can do SO MUCH with $400,000.. definitely a lot more real world application than some poker videos of gambling. I guess I’m questioning my intentions behind playing poker and putting myself into these scenarios, because now my decisions and actions have real consequences that matter a whole lot more than while I was playing $1/3 with $300 in front of me. I mean that’s how it all started out.. I was interested in the game and wanted to create YouTube videos. I was very comfortable grinding $1/3 as a part time income and never even IMAGINED playing as high stakes as $5/10 - in fact, I remember a specific moment in life where I found out the max buy in was $1,500 at my local $5/10.. and thought how irresponsible those players were putting that much money on the table. But what now.. what now buying into cash games for $100,000 or a single tournament for $25,000. To take a step back.. I mean it’s fucking ridiculous.
When I don’t take time to reflect like this, I get lost in the process. Always on the go, and never reflecting the actions I’m making.. from a day to day standpoint buying in for Hustler games are the new normal. Casual 5-6 figures in front of me at all times and making decisions for significant amount of “chips”. But is it even healthy that this is the normal? Don’t get me wrong, playing on Hustler and high stakes cash games like this was a pipe dream. It feels like I’m playing the highest competition in poker, like the “MLB” of poker.. the eyeballs on you, the amount that each decision is worth. The whole experience incredible and I’m grateful. But going on downswings like that have made me question my sanity.. like is all this worth it? What truly makes me happy? Is poker a longterm industry and hobby I want to be in/have?
I have no answers to these questions and that’s why I’m reflecting.. poker is really fun when it’s a friendly game with friends for insignificant sums of money - no stress, just casual and fun. But it seems like poker for me always needed an element of stress. When I first started playing, a $300 buy-in was my end all be all with $2000 in my bank account. And now, am I just chasing that high in the beginning with bigger and bigger games? I wonder if it’s the adrenaline rush or high from being so stressed that I’m chasing. Every pot I entered felt like life or death.. and luckily I survived by sun running everyone at $1/2.. so why not try doing the same at $1/2 today.. but a different kind of $1/2, only $100/200. That’s the game I’ll be once again trying to push the boundaries and play bigger. But why..? That’s the question I want to find the answer to.
Much love,
Ethan (Rampage)
Ethan,
You and I are around the same age, I just turned 24. I work for a full time professional gambling group and would call the last two years in this group as super successful. We have these conversations extremely often.
I occasionally will play in high stakes home games in Chicago. Two nights ago I lost more than I’ve ever lost (30k+), by getting sucked out on over and over again. The most maddening thing was the rich guys I was playing with didn’t even notice or really care, they just had a “that’s gambling” mentality. That car ride back was awful.
The only thing that keeps me grounded through these events is my perspective on life, and my faith. Being a Christian is a huge part of my life. God has reassured me that if I make the choice, everything I do will be used for a purpose. And ultimately, I will join him in heaven one day. It’s also crucial to have guys around you who can see the situation with clarity while you’re in the middle of it.
I look back on other times I’ve felt this way, and God has always gotten me through it, and then some. It’s funny you talk about having $2000 in 1/2 because that’s exactly what I had when I started grinding in college. And I’ll never forget the night I lost every dollar of it. I’m so thankful that instead of doing something rash to make the money back, I clung to my faith.
Stay strong, and if it starts to take too much of a take on you it’s never wrong to take a break.
Joe
This is so insanely disingenuous. How about you talk about the high rake games you promote with the likes of Mariano on ClubGG which actually allow you to play these stakes? The million plus dollars you’ve bled from your fans and supporters. After all what better way to launder the money than to play high stakes poker on the biggest streams around. Make no mistakes, this is no different than the “pros” of yesteryear who’s full tilt sponsorship allowed them to gamble for the living that lead the masses to believe it was sustainable to travel the world playing 10k’s. Perhaps these feelings are actually your conscience that’s weighing heavy.